I am ordinary.
I am an ordinary human living an ordinary life.
Iāve been fortunate to see and do much, to travel far and wide, and even be invited by a beloved friend to live in NYC. And I am still ordinary. I do not possess Universal truths that others do not, though sometimes when I share myself someone may recognize something within themselves they hadnāt noticed before. And of course the same is true with me, when others share themselves.
I am ordinary. Sure, I moved away from home and am doing pretty okay for myself in a city where they say: if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere! But actually I think: if you can make it anywhere, then you are really making it.
I am ordinary. Iām lucky I somehow overcameāam still overcoming my very human desire to disappearāto be so overwhelmed by my own existence I find the closest substance or human or etc. and use them as a shield, though it happens sometimes. I do things that I wish I didnāt, still, even to this day. After all of this āworkā Iāve been smoking again and having some drinks again even though I went an entire year and four months without them, and many more months too though not consecutively. And when I made it to that year mark of no booze I posted on social media about my rebirth and how good it felt to be sober, and how good it felt to feel at all. And it was true, and it was half of the truth. Because there was a hollow space in me I still could not fill, no matter how hard I tried. Now Iām finding the hollow space doesnāt need filling. It can actually just be hollow, who knew?
I am ordinary. When I was constantly trying to fill the hollow space I could not hear its wisdom. I was actually being asked to do the most painful thing, which was leave my relationship, instead of creating more problems such as: not doing enough yoga, not meditating enough, not being grateful enough, not loving enough, not caring enough, not running enough, not being thin enough, notā¦ being enough. I could not fathom that the truth could be less and not more. And when my friend told me she was leaving her husband and I felt a jealous rage boil in each one of my veins, I knew the hollow space had spoken. I had a choice to make. Our mind is a busy organ who means business when it comes to making meaning and solving problems, and it will do anything but give us the truth if we just go along with it, all willy nilly. So we have to put our foot down and say, I know the truth, mind, because I feel it in my heart. And there were times I really had to get down on my knees and pray to my own heart and beg her to be right, and to please carry me though this pain. And she did.
I am ordinary. Iāve broken many hearts and Iāve shattered my own countless times. When I was young I used to want to be a āheartbreaker,ā but little did I know then that that would mean my own heart, too. I really thought if I just acted cool enough I would be spared the turmoil of love, and how it feels to lose it in the form you had initially met it. And I was wrong, being cool did not keep me from anything, because in reality, which is where we all reside whether we like it or not, acting cool is the weakest defense in the bag in a world full of triggers and traumatized people. The best defense we have is admitting there really arenāt any. The world will rip us apart, but that is how we begin to know which pieces are ours to keep.
I am ordinary. Iāve started dating again and Iāve already had someone say, can we hang before this day? No? Well Iām not really feeling this. Take care. Actually can we be friends? Whatās your instagram? And I donāt want to give them my instagram because I think they will see right into my soul, and isnāt that weird that I am putting things I actually care about on that stupid metaābox place owned by greedy men? I wish my writing was going somewhere betterāmaybe this is the start of that place.
I am ordinary. I am uncertain. I question myself constantly, I doubt my talents, and I lose myself still! until this very day. But to doubt my talents is to first admit I have any, so thatās a start. And this isnāt good or bad, itās human all too human. And I really love being human because itās what I am. Inherently. Briefly. For now. And yeah, Iām a whole lot more, too. But what I know for sure is that everything Iām going through is human and it is allowed and it is welcomed. All of it.
I am ordinary. I will not save the world. I donāt even want to save the world, I donāt think the world needs saving. And that is a hot spicy take, especially in these times, and please donāt mistake this for some dismal cynicism that I donāt have a role in the affair of thingsāof course I do. I am not void of the responsibilities of living. Iām just now getting clear on what those are for me. Saving the whole world isnāt one of them. And what a relief that is, now I can focus on the things I actually love. And maybe the more I do the things I love, the more I will love, and then the more love there will be in the Universe. And I think thatās what weāre maybe doing here, is figuring out how to love it while surviving it. Who knows! I never do for sure.
I am ordinary. I am uncertain. And I wonāt save the world.
This is the truth as of now, and it sets me free.